The Tool Box - Life with an Addict

Partners of addicts spend most of their life trying to crack the code.

"Why does he do this?"

"What does this really mean?"

"What's the root of his addiction?"

"Does he love me? Love me not?"

and on and on and on.

I hope this image of a tool box and the explanation of it will help you begin to see ALL of these exchanges, conversations, texts differently.

Addicts have a tool box. The purpose of EVERY tool in the tool box is to work on ANY situation in such a way that when they are finished they have preserved their ability to use/gamble/drink, etc. Period.

Please read that again, because this is key.

Addicts have a tool box. The purpose of EVERY tool in the tool box is to work on ANY situation in such a way that when they are finished they have preserved their ability to use/gamble/drink, etc. Period.

Their goal in ANY Interaction with you is to preserve their ability to continue to protect their behavior.

It's not your relationship. Your marriage. Keeping the house, or paying the light bill. It's not your kids or the 39 years you've been together.

It's fixing the situation in such a way that they can continue to do what they do.

There are so many tools in this tool box you would be SHOCKED.

The best tools to preserve it... expressing guilt, shame, sorrow, apologies, remorse, and promises. Saying things like "I'm done babe." Or "I can't do this anymore, I'm done."

Those are golden tools for preserving the ability to gamble.

The tools are used on YOU. They are custom designed to push your buttons. They extract the emotions, the right words and responses and you back off.

And as long as you are engaging- anything you say - they have a tool for.

If you are compassionate - they open up and let you feel like their counselor and tell you how much they need you and how wonderful you are. It makes you feel needed and like a really good person.

If you are angry they can pull out gaslighting, rage, taking your inventory or throwing themselves a pity party.

Whatever you do to engage with them - I promise you they have a tool for that. When one stops working, they just use another. If all else fails, they walk away or shut down.

One of the tools is just to wear you the hell down.

But what they are doing in these engagements HAS NOTHING to do with resolving the addiction or the relationship. It's only about preserving the status quo.

What does this mean for you?

It means YOU NEED A NEW TOOL BOX.

You have always thought your tool box was about helping them. Getting them to see why that they have a problem. Yeah, your tool box has nothing that could ever make that happen. Not ever. Toss it in the trash.

Now, if you accept what I'm telling you, you can see each interaction differently. None of those tools can ever work because you have no power over another person. Especially an addict.

NEW TOOL BOX

The first tool in your new toolbox is knowledge. Know what addiction is. These compulsive behaviors aren't going to be resolved in a conversation or a series of conversations.

Recovery - meetings, working the program, therapy, possibly medication and a lot of time and the CG has to do that ON THEIR OWN. They have to choose it. Not be guilted, shamed or threatened into it. They have to do the leg work.

Stop looking up meetings for them and books and therapists. If they want recovery they will find it. They have no trouble finding a parking spot at a casino, a bar or finding a fix. They can take out payday loans or pawn things just fine. They can find their own recovery if they want it.

Educate yourself about their addiction.

You think they can just stop or cut back, or manage it? Not how this works. Sorry. And when you are learning, accept that your loved one is not the exception. They may have convinced you they are, but they aren't.

Second tool - Understand that you need recovery too. Independent of your partner or loved one. You can work YOUR recovery while they are still in active addiction. Order the literature online. Start working the 12 steps and reading every single day. Find a group in person, online, or share daily.

Detaching is a powerful tool. Releasing them to do what they are already doing is not giving them permission. It is an acknowledgment that you never had any power any way. All the crying, yelling, fighting only, ever took a toll on you. It never made a difference.

Then you start using other tools like protecting yourself legally. Separating finances, getting your name off his things, and his name off yours. It might mean a post-nuptial agreement to protect yourself if the marriage fails.

Maybe it means quietly and privately saving money so that you have more options.

Read good self help books - books like Codependent No More

Set up boundaries. These aren't rules for them. They are rules for you. You decide what life you want and you hold YOURSELF accountable for it. When people violate your boundaries you follow through for yourself.

Create a support system tool. Not just people you call and vent to (not very helpful) but people who will help you be strong and hold you accountable. People you can have hard conversations with. Support with children, childcare, home repair, whatever you need to make yourself less dependent on your CG who is not reliable. Create that support system.

Care for yourself. Big tool. Tend your physical health - see the doc, get a check up, address health problems. Tend your mental health, see a therapist, consider meds, but take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, rest, get some sunshine, take up a hobby, enjoy your life.

At some point you will begin to wonder why you ever spent all your time trying to work on then with tools that could never help anyway.

You realize that your toolbox is meant to be used on yourself, working on you.

You do it one day at a time.

Maybe they find recovery, maybe they don't. Your recovery, your peace, your happiness does not depend on them doing anything.