Running for My Life

After high school sports ended the fastest I ever moved was chasing a toddler who had snatched a tv remote. I mean the fastest speed ever timed by a land animal IS a toddler with something they aren't allowed to have. I loved sharing those memes that said something about "not seeing me running unless I'm being chased." But I found myself in my late 40's having battled health issues for two decades. I was spent. I was weak, overweight, tired and managing chronic health problems like congestive heart failure, MS, fibromyalgia and neuropathy. I always feel like I need to explain that the problems came before the weight gain. I don't know why I feel like I have to explain myself in that way but I do. I was a size 8, 140 lbs before my health hit the skids. People want to assume that people gain weight and then the weight gain causes health problems. That happens, but often the problems go on for years undiagnosed and as in my case all the pharmaceuticals thrown at the problems begins a snowball that is very hard to stop. New meds for new problems caused by the prescriptions cause more problems and a vicious cycle is set in motion that only the force of sheer determination can penetrate. My journey. I am almost 4 years in and I am not even halfway there. It started by getting off all the medications under my doctor's supervision (mostly). I only take a blood pressure medication now. I've had chronic high blood pressure since I was just a 104 lb. teenager, that will probably never change but the dosage may. I had to learn about nutrition. This isn't rocket science but no one else is planning the food that is served here. No one else is shopping or preparing the food. I had to change my palette and learn to cook and shop differently. This too is a work in progress. Nutrients, vitamins, smoothies, calorie counts it's a lot to absorb and often I feel like I can't wrap my brain around it or I am just too tired. That's when habits run the show. Replacing bad habits for better ones is big part - again getting there. 2 years ago I began a journey to learn to run again. I was not trying to set the world on fire or run a marathon. Just be capable of running a little way without a medical helicopter being called to airlift me off some trail. I was doing well for awhile and then I got sick. Very sick. I was sick for almost 6 months and I was hospitalized three times in the process. The recovery was long, several months and before I was fully recovered from that illness all my female parts staged a rebellion. What had been pesky, annoying problems took center stage. Tests and a surgery, another long recovery. This year feeling better and with renewed enthusiasm I took my goal of learning to run up again. This time with a goal, a 5k. I began training with a team and my dear friend who I am so proud to say is an Ironman and a Triathlon athlete. As it turned out this was not the path for me. Just two weeks in I had to break away.

Running had unlocked something in me that I did not expect. Anxiety, shame, guilt, pride, fear, crippling fear, anger and sorrow. More sorrow than I can describe. When I would be on the trail with my friend and with the team, I wanted to cry my heart out. Emotions would come at me so quickly and being with other people - I could not work them through. I needed to be alone. I left the team to train on my own. I don't know if this is a good or advisable idea for anyone else - I know next to nothing about training but I know for me what was unfolding was much more than a physical journey toward wellness. This was a journey of my very soul. It was as much emotional as it was physical and honestly the harder obstacles are the emotional ones, hands down. Somewhere about halfway to the 5k training I realized that I was breaking down. Soon all these emotions that were surfacing when I exercised were right at the surface all the time. I was tearful, I was insecure. I wasn't feeling strong, not at all. I'm just over the hump in the middle of this training and I feel raw. Vulnerable. This doesn't feel anything like I thought it would. I thought I would hear Eye of the Tiger pounding in my head and I would be all like GIRL POWER and such. Nope. I'm not feeling even a little Balboa yet. Nada. Instead I am facing the reality that for many years I have grossly neglected myself. Why did I do that? I kind of know. I am seeing the weight I have gained without trying to lose any of it as insulation. A fluffy coating to help things bounce off me. A protective shell I can climb inside and not be seen. I'm feeling angry at what I've dealt with my whole life and I won't bore you with the details but it's some real stuff. I never, ever allow myself to wallow and I focus very clearly on my blessings and not the negative. So having these feelings bubble up is hard. I have had to work hard to give myself permission to even feel them. I normally reject them flat out. But maybe that has to stop? Maybe I can feel them and then release them? I'm battling guilt for every moment I take away from my family even with their blessing. I'm thinking about my life past, present and future. I'm thinking about turning 48 and the next half. I realize now that this race is a run for my life. Turns out something has been chasing me. My own demons. Let me say this, I am only running a little bit. I'm running in intervals and not very many! But I am learning to run and this how you learn things, a little at a time. I'm claiming the title "Runner" even if this first race is mostly just me walking with short intervals of sprints. Who knew that all these things were locked up inside me? I didn't. I've taken the time in my life to deal with many things. I haven't completely neglected my mental health and wellbeing. I guess I knew there was still some work to do, but I didn't know the extent. Never saw this coming.

I've seen runners cross a finish line and cry and vomit. I've seen athletes conquer something and weep uncontrollably. I will not be earning any Olympic Medals or breaking any records on the streets of my city but I will be competing to be better than I was, and more than I am. I am afraid I will cross the finish line, dead last and cry as if I just climbed Everest! Actually I'm pretty sure I will. It won't make any sense to many people, but the friends and family who will be standing there waiting for me will know enough to get it. I will probably cry and they might too. I am running away from my wheelchair. I am running away from heart valve replacements. I'm running away from the white flag of surrender I almost lifted over my life giving in to what I thought was an inevitable decline. I am running to reclaim my health, my hope. I'm running to settle once and for all the question about who decides what I can and cannot do. It isn't me. It is my God, who tells me ALL things are possible. Not small things, or easy things, or the things the doctors say - He said ALL. He is the author of my life and He told me I could run again. I will.