Ready to Walk

Question: My husband and I have drifted apart, so much that we are like roommates and not in a cute college way, more like a halfway house way. We are seriously struggling financially and he can be so irresponsible with money! We barely connect at all and have no physical or emotional intimacy. He doesn't help me at all. He mopes around. I'm so unhappy, I don't know if I can keep doing this. What's the point?

Answer: If you were in my sisterhood I would ask you to tell me about the man you married? Was he mostly responsible? Was he loving? Did you make love? Have fun? Or did you marry a lemon? If you married an awful guy that you never ever connected with and he is kind of a low character man then then this is dicey. But, if as you describe it there has instead been a drift, a decline. I am here to tell you something. This is a miracle waiting to happen.

Your man is the hero in the family, he is supposed to be at least, but he is broken. He is depressed, financially burdened and he isn't feeling any love or respect for himself at all and he can't find it on his own. This family needs a hero until the Hero is restored.

I believe MOST men will move heaven and earth for the women they love. Women have the power to inspire men to great things. We also have the power to break them into shadows of who they could be. When life is pounding away at him you have to find the courage and strength to be the hero your husband needs. Financial difficulties are much harder on men than they ever let on. They won't react the way we do. They shut down. They brood. They go into the man-cave of their mind and push us away. Providing for their family is a central part of their self worth. You have to help him restore that self worth so he can get back in the game.

If he had cancer and you had to do everything - you could. You would. You can dig down in your soul and find strength, get down on your knees in prayer and go to battle for this man.

A man is nothing without respect. More than love they need respect and he does not have yours. We both know that, you, me and him, we know. You need to find ways to respect him again and rebuild him from the ground up. Shake off the plague of discontentment and be his Bride. The one who believed you could conquer the world together. Fix him food he likes, smile at him. Touch him, make love to him. Men are simple creatures. You can rebuild him quicker than you think. When intimacy shuts down from you, he is a man starving for connection. You can say to him, "I am your helpmate! I am here to help you so you don't have to carry this burden. How can I help you? What do you need?" He probably doesn't even know so ask. Ask if he'd like for the two of you to go on a walk or drive and hold hands? If he'd like to send the kids to your moms for a night and watch movies.

Be playful, be hopeful. If he loses your support he is nothing. That's what you are seeing- a man who has had some hard knocks and feels like such a failure his wife doesn't believe in him and doesn't even desire him anymore.

Is it fair? Is it fair that you have to rescue this marriage? Nope. So? Here is the alternative - divorce him. He'll be broken and broke and you and the kids will slip into poverty while you struggle as a single mom. Then some other woman will come along and make him feel like a man again and they'll get married and make a new family so your kids have even less of him emotionally and financially.

I would build a support group around you. NOT nagging, complaining women who all gripe about their husbands but rather seasoned married women who have been through it all and are still standing. Prayer warriors who will pray for you everyday and especially on hard days. Women you can talk to when you feel frustrated and exhausted who tell you what a mighty woman of God you are going to battle for your marriage and what a gift you are to your children for doing so! Who will rejoice in your triumphs and brainstorm the obstacles.

Have hope. Pray without ceasing and love your husband like the Bride you were on the day he lifted your veil. God Bless, Robin