Operation: Best Worst Case Scenario

The military names their struggles, conflicts and campaigns. So I decided why not name this one? I have struggled for a couple days deciding whether I would share what is happening in my life and where I might share, if I did at all, online. Sharing it here, seems the most appropriate. If there is any good that can be gained from sharing it then let it be so. I share because Satan revels in our secrecy. He does his best work in our shame, our guilt, our embarrassment. Sitting alone and in silence gives him a footing into our lives that he can really build upon. He will find no such opportunity here.

Cutting to the chase I don't want to bury the punchline. On Monday I had a very difficult, sobering, frightening doctors appointment. As I had suspected for many months my heart condition had worsened. It has deteriorated more than I even imagined. The full extent we will not know for a couple more weeks. I'll fill in the backstory later. But I was born with congenital heart problems and have been battling them since I was 19 years old. In many ways I thought I could run from them, attempting to diminish their reality by the sheer force of my own will. I was wrong. For more than 5 years I have been in Stage 2 Congenital Heart Failure. My prayer tonight is that I have not progressed beyond Stage 3. I'm claiming that in the name of Jesus. This is the worst part. This is the irreversible, most frustrating and saddest part for me. The hits just keep coming! The other shocking news was that my blood test revealed, Type 2 Diabetes. My A1C for those in the know, was 8.1. They treat with meds at 7 and 6 and below is normal, so I'm told. It's not horrible but it's bad enough. To make this really interesting let's add in high cholesterol and liver disease. I had bloodwork done 1 year ago and again at 8 months ago - none of these problems existed. Though I'm sure the numbers were on the rise, the docs said - normal. That's how quickly it changed.

Allow me to unravel.

My heart. At 19 I was diagnosed with SVT's, WPW, Mitral Valve Prolapse with regurgitation and Chronic High Blood Pressure. My heart rate at rest is usually between 100 - 125. Flat on my back resting. In exertion it is around 130-160 depending on the level of intensity. It can spike to upwards of 200 without much effort, sometimes for no reason at all. I started blood pressure medicine during my first pregnancy at 19. My blood pressure, untreated is usually in what is considered the "stroke zone" it's crazy high. Treated it still hovers around 150/80. Today it was 144/72, on my meds. My cardiologists over the years have warned me that this would be a lifelong battle and that one day I would be facing possibly a pacemaker/defibrillator, valve replacement and possibly with age and other factors even a transplant.

Don't judge people about their health problems. This was me age 9. Undiagnosed high blood pressure and congenital heart defects.

I was born with these conditions. I didn't do anything to cause them, though I don't think that would matter.

Diabetes runs in my family with all kinds of other bad habits and issues. Heart Disease, Cancer. What can I say when they were handing out healthy additions to the DNA I was busy collecting all the brains, beauty and rhythm. I understand my role in this diagnosis and I've spent the last two days joking that I have eaten my way into a Chronic and dangerous health problem. I wish I could sugar coat it (cause that's what I would do of course...get it? Sugar. Nevermind) But that's the reality. That's the bad news. I ate my way into diabetes. The good news, I can eat my way RIGHT BACK OUT OF IT. Consider it done.

I was pretty skinny here! Maybe 125 lbs. I look healthy. A few years earlier I had been defibrillated twice and I had a cardiac ablation. The following year I would have an aneurysm bleed out. Skinny doesn't mean healthy.

Look food is complicated for me. I spent years with bulimia and working my way through it. Food, or rather more correctly binge eating and making poor choices are all intertwined with my emotions, my sense of comfort, celebrating, managing stress. Unraveling it all will take me some emotional time. But stopping the behavior that is making me sick. That's simple. Not easy. Simple. (Expect more on this subject.) The cholesterol and liver disease is all related to the diet so one stone and I can manage these issues together. None of this, not any piece of it can ever reverse the damage to my heart. That is unrelated to the other issues to a great degree. Where they are connected however is in this. My weakened heart cannot work harder than it has to, just to keep me alive. Extra weight makes it harder. Cholesterol gumming up the walls of arteries already working with relentlessly high blood pressure, makes it harder. More sodium? Makes it harder. Diabetes takes a toll on every organ in my body. So while this isn't the cause of the heart issue, or even the deterioration - to survive I must eliminate all these extra strains on my heart.

Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy? Uh no. Not exactly.

13 Medications. Two days ago I was on 4. This is a long and complicated road ahead. And yes. I actually need all these. I promise you I wouldn't take them otherwise.

Overhauling my diet, my cooking and my shopping will be work. Trying to lose weight with all the new medications feels, I can't lie, almost impossible. It feels like I have a mountain to climb. An actual Everest awaits me and I couldn't be more ill-equipped physically to climb it. I've been on all these hearts meds before. I tried to get off of them. I wanted to see what my body could do. You know what it did? It got worse. I'm all about healthy lifestyles, alternative medicine, homeopathic remedies, vitamins, supplements, all of it.

But there are things that modern medicine does best and we must avail ourselves of it. No apologies. I also have MS, Neuropathy (for 10 years unrelated to the Diabetes) and digestive issues like ulcers, my gallbladder was removed and diverticulitis. Nothing physical is easy. Nothing. Getting out of my bed in the morning is painful. Showering takes a toll on the energy I have for the day. My heart is broken. I can't do this. I alone cannot do this. I know it, it's fact. But I also know that my God says all things are possible. My God says He can and will renew me. My God does not abandon me. He does not leave me in my hour of need. I couldn't do it alone, and thankfully I am not alone.

That cute girl, she was beginning to experience the early signs of MS and didn't know it.

My family, starting with my mom and mother in law will be praying without ceasing, my kids are with me thick or thin. My friends, they are warriors too. They will stand beside me in battle and help me in any way, every way I need. My husband, my rock, my everything he's all in. The man would exist on tree bark and rainwater if the doctor said that's what I need to do to survive. And he could do it. He can do anything. I'm grieving. I'd be lying if I said I weren't. I know we will do everything we can to make my little heart go as long as it can. But somewhere down in the depths of my soul, I can hear a page turning. This is my third act. It may last 30 or 35 years, or just another 10-15 but no doubt it's beginning. When I reach Stage 4 with my other issues I may not even be a candidate for transplant. I have no idea what the future holds.

Because I'm active, busy, positive or smiling doesn't mean I don't feel awful. That's just me REFUSING to allow the enemy to steal my joy. Nope. Not ever.

It's scary. I know my days are numbered but I don't know the number. The truth is though that was true before this news. It's always been true. In our ego and pride, in our refusal to recognize the fragile nature of life we pretend like we have all the time in the world. We don't. As afraid as I am, I feel like I have had an awakening of sorts and it's powerful and good. I know that time is winding down and I have the ability now to see it all in a way I didn't before. I have no time for pettiness, for division, or competition. I have no time for grudges or old wounds. What a waste of time. I have no use of idle interests or complaining. Who has time for that really? Not me. I only have time for what matters.

Last Thing

I have a team of Doctors, Natural Medicine friends, Essential Oils friends, Homeopathic friends, Chiropractors and friends from every corner of the health supplement market. I promise I am tackling this on ALL FRONTS and I love, love, love that anyone, ANYONE would take time from their life to offer me advice or information that they believe might help me. That is humbling and beautiful to me. Thank you. Just please know that I will not be able to respond to all the messages, online, emails, texts, and PM's. I know that before I even begin. I have a lot of work, education and changes to focus on and it will be a challenge to remain focused. I pray you understand. Make suggestions that you think might help, but understand please if I do not respond. You'll be considered part of my Support Team and I will pray blessings for you and thank God for you.

PS Friends health problems are hard. Chronic, debilitating health problems are hard. Weight management is hard. The only hope, as I see it is to be honest, if with no one else but yourself, and to seek help. Be open to hearing things that make you uncomfortable and even angry or sad. Often that's how you know it's the truth. So often in life the solutions to our greatest problems are very simple. I did not say easy. I said SIMPLE. We cannot meet the challenges without our Savior and without support and encouragement. If you are on this journey, ANYWHERE on it and any of this sounds familiar, please reach out and let's pray for one another. I embark on a new time, a kairos. I covet your prayers and support. Let me support you as well. "Translated as "the right time" from Ancient Greek, kairos variously refers to an "opportune presentation" in rhetoric and a "spiritual opportunity" in Christian theology."