In the Dark

I push the thoughts to the outermost circle of my consciousness. I do this with a degree of control only gained from having practiced and honed the skill since I was small. It's so automatic that it happens without my awareness. I cannot cry. Not yet. I don't cry about the pain when he can hear me. I wait until he is sleeping, peacefully. My tears are his Kryptonite. What could possibly be the point? He cannot ease my pain. He could comfort me, of course but at what cost? To bring me a little consolation in his arms, even if it will break him? He will worry. He will hurt. He will feel powerless, helpless. He will lose sleep and rest. Should we both suffer, when it's possible for only one to endure it? No. I know how to find comfort myself. Again, long practiced. When he falls asleep, I slip from the bed. In the quiet, in the dark I allow the thoughts to return. I open the gate and let them in. It's not healthy to ignore or deny them, I know, I tried. But I can contain them, they need not consume me. I can hear the emotions inside my head. They seek no calm. They are raw. From outside though, somewhere else, from the deepest place in my soul speaks a voice, straight into the heart of me.

I don't trust my feelings. I give them space but I do not trust them entirely. And certainly not to guide me. I know emotions must be tested. Testing them in the fire has saved my life, my sanity and spared me more pain than I could ever describe. Sitting on my sofa now, my feelings say, "I don't know how long I can endure." My heart feels ripped open. I'm afraid. I am tired. I don't understand and I just want to be out of pain. I dip those emotions into the fire. Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 2 Corinthians 6:4-10 "but in everything commending ourselves as servants of God, in much endurance, in afflictions, in hardships, in distresses, in beatings, in imprisonments, in tumults, in labors, in sleeplessness, in hunger, in purity, in knowledge, in patience, in kindness, in the Holy Spirit, in genuine love, in the word of truth, in the power of God; by the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and the left, by glory and dishonor, by evil report and good report; regarded as deceivers and yet true; as unknown yet well-known, as dying yet behold, we live; as punished yet not put to death, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing, as poor yet making many rich, as having nothing yet possessing all things. " In that moment, in the still and darkness of my living room, in less time than the space of a breath Christ is beside me. And certainty washes over me. Comfort. Not healing. Comfort in the suffering. I don't know how I will endure to the end. I have no idea. I know that for tonight, I'm okay. I know that when I'm not, whenever I am in distress He will be at my side before I can even call out His name. I know whatever comes I will not walk it alone. I can be sad. I can hurt. But in Christ I am never alone.