Headship Encounter

Together we squashed the last request from the children who should have already been asleep and headed downstairs. I made a cup of decaf coffee and my husband made a cup of tea.

I snuggled into the couch and pulled my legs up underneath me, cradling my warm cup. The house was quiet, finally.

Enjoying the quiet and sipping our way to a place of calm. We began.

My husband sat on the floor, at my feet. Everytime we begin a Headship Encounter, or Headship for short. I am cast back to the feelings I felt the very first time we came together this way, humbled. He doesn't have to sit at my feet. We get to decide how this looks for our marriage but he is "Headed" by a faithful, amazing man who shared with my husband how transformative it was for their marriage when he began to take a servant's place at the feet of his wife. It made an impression on him. Few people we had ever met, ever even heard of lived life with the love, passion and lifelong commitment to God and one another that these friends did. It worked for them, so he was not reinventing the wheel.

He started with a simple prayer that probably went something like this:

Father, You are so good to us. Thank you for all you have entrusted to us. Thank you for my beautiful bride. Thank you for the incredible blessing she is to me and to our family. We invite you into our Headship tonight that we would listen and see one another as you see us. Help us to speak truth in charity. Help us to love as you have commanded. We seek the guidance of the Holy Spirit tonight as we talk through the concerns of my wife's heart. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

He began, "How was your week?"

I chattered through obligations, frustrations, successes, failures. He listened. He listened actively. Looking at me without staring. Nodding and making the occasional response of "mmm hmm"

I said, "I think that's everything about my week." He squeezed my leg and said, "You accomplished a lot this week. I don't know how you do it." He continued, "Is there anything on your heart or bothering you that you'd like to talk about?"

--> So allow me to pause the story here? This is the dicey part of a Headship Encounter. This is my opportunity to be heard about things that I am really frustrated with that pertain to our home, the kids, our family, my life, and him.

This time is NOT a discussion. There is NO give and take not really. This is my time to be heard. He isn't going to argue with me, he isn't going to take anything personally and be angry. He isn't going to react, or hold what I say against me later.

For some men initially it might feel like being in a boxing match with your hands tied behind your back. Not being able to hit back. It's not. Husbands aren't punching bags. It's very hard. It takes incredible discipline for both husband and wife to do this correctly. The ability to do this successfully comes when a man is so strong, so committed to being Christ to his wife that he is able to endure a tiny part of what Christ himself suffered and when the wife can take control of her emotions and share her concerns appropriately.

As I share what's on my heart, especially frustration, I must do so respectfully and with dignity. So for a man to be able to hear all of this requires the spouse to truly be a servant to his Bride, as Christ is a servant to His Bride, the Church, the Body of Christ.

A willingness to go here, comes from the deepest desire to grow a marriage that stretches across a lifetime through all the things we took vows about at the beginning. Looking past the molehills that pop up all the time and seeing the marathon we are running means gazing toward the mountains. A man who can do this, lead this way, knows that by giving his wife a voice. By listening without judgment or retribution, cold shoulders or bickering he is freeing her from the shackles that bind her, of anger and frustration. Most of our deepest frustrations come from not being heard. From not feeling understood, respected, or appreciated. When a woman is freed from those agonizing frustrations, she transforms into the most mature version of herself.

My role as the Bride, is to view this in the light in which it is intended. It is meant to strengthen us, not tear us down. It is meant to bring light into places where resentment might seek to make a home. It is an opportunity for me to share what's on my heart, what I am struggling with, learning from, needing, and what's bothering me. It is not a gripe-fest. It is not a series of pot shots for me to take his inventory. It is not a free-for-all. My responsibility to be a good steward of my husband's gift cannot be overstated.

Before I choose to share something with my husband in a Headship Encounter I have taken it to prayer. I haven't bantered it around with a dozen girlfriends so that my discernment is muddied up with a dozen thoughts and opinions. Maybe my closest sister in Christ if I am truly seeking help in how I should view it or share it but that's it.

Approaching issues I want to raise, I try to examine my motives, my predisposition and I choose to address them with my beloved in ways that make it clear I am seeking resolution or solutions and not just complaining. Complaining isn't very useful.

This is how it quite often goes... <-- (Resuming the story in progress)

I share that I've been asking for his help with disciplining one of the children for some time and I feel like he isn't stepping up. I give him some examples from the last week. Then I share why I need his help. "I reach a place with this child where I am out of resources in the day. I get frustrated and upset. It can derail my entire day. When it happens I have a hard time getting back on track and refocusing. I struggle to finish our schoolwork, housework, get dinner on. I want to give up. When you get home and I think I can hand it off to you it's largely cooled down so you don't see the big deal that it was. You say a word or two and then completely dismiss it. I get that you don't want to ramp it all back up again but I am really fried at that point. I'm stressed, I'm emotional. I want someone to bring the earth down on this kid and then I'll feel better. Okay, that sounds wrong. That sounds like I want revenge instead of help with discipline. Crap. Maybe I do want revenge instead of help with discipline? I don't know I just need a break. I haven't had a break from it at all at that point ya know."

My husband: "Would it help on those days if I took over and you could leave for a bit? Go for a walk, or a drive, or grab a coffee for an hour? When you are out of the house I promise I will talk to that kiddo and maybe if you aren't here it will be diffused a little and I can get somewhere. Would that help?"

Crying now. "Yes, it's just really exhausting. I think sometimes they are picking up on my stress and I need to learn to let things go and take the stress in the house down before it erupts. But a break on those days would be great. I'd be happy just to drive around in the car and cuss for a few minutes. (I actually do this) I just need to reset sometimes. Not everyday, just sometimes."

My husband: "Babe you do so much. I don't know how you do it. I couldn't. If you need to reset just tell me. Maybe we need a code word?" I laugh. My husband: "Do we want to look at some new discipline strategies for her? Maybe that would help?" Me: "Yes I think so because what I'm doing isn't working." My husband: "Would you like to talk about it this weekend? Brainstorm some ideas and look at them this weekend? Me: "I would really like that."

He will ask if there is anything else I want to talk about and when I'm good, I say no. I thank him for giving me the time and space. He sits on the couch beside me and he tells me what a great job I'm doing. He tells me how lucky our kids are to have me for a mom and how much he appreciates all I do. He says, he feels like he won the wife lottery. We kiss. Then we pray over the things that were raised. Then we often find ourselves renewing our vows and consummating our marriage again. More perks!

Many Headship Encounters have this amazing little benefit, renewed intimacy. When I can talk through my problem openly. I can almost always crack it open, find the solution, or discover some nuance I didn't notice before and resolve it.

Women don't need men to solve our problems. We need the time, space and support to solve our own problems. Headship is this time, space and support.

Sure sometimes it reveals an issue in the marriage. When it's brought up outside of an argument. When it's approached with prayerful preparation with solution and understanding as a goal, the problems get solved.

Having my husband sit at my feet makes me feel so very loved. I am a little woman at 5'1" my husband is 6'2". His voice booms, his presence is large. By allowing himself to be made small, even meek for a moment I am given the space to grow. He has never been dominating or anything of the sort but the imagery and impression left by his humility is powerful.

Many of our Headship Encounters are on the couch together, at the dining table or in bed at the end of a long week. We still have those "at your feet" Encounters. Over the years somehow my husband knows when I need them.

It's funny trying to tell people about this experience. They want to scream patriarchy and why is HE the head of the house. I can discuss that, debate it if I have to but honestly what I hear is someone expressing a lack of understanding about who Christ is. He humbled Himself. Sacrificed Himself. He is a Servant. He died for me. My husband is called to model Himself after Christ for me. He got down on his knee and asked me to be his Bride after all. That was romantic and overwhelming, I loved it. In this way he asking me all over again to be his. He asks me. My husband needs respect and my admiration. He needs validation and time to talk too. We have lots of those times too. But a Headship Encounter is for me. It's a beautiful gift.