...And in Health

"I, (state your name), take thee (state their name) to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you." You've heard this, a few dozen times in your life right? Me, too. But today as I was making notes for this article something occurred to me. I searched it to be certain. Did you see it when you read the vows? Better or worse. Richer or poorer. See how the more positive trait comes first? But then... in sickness and in health. Sickness is first. In sickness and in health stands out. From a matter of pacing, by flipping the pattern of positive first, negative second, and in health stands out. This vow we take up. It's not simple. It's not easy. When we are planning weddings we are thinking of flowers and food, what we'll wear. But the marriage, the life, the words within those vows. No matter how much we love, no matter how much we mean it when we say it, somewhere along the line, we become Peter. Our love fails and we deny it, and thereby deny Him who joined us. It might be in small ways or great ways but "this day forward" is a very long time. Some couples stumble on the "better or worse" simply in the version of themselves they bring to the marriage - the better or the worse one? Others find richer works out okay but poorer is a hill too steep. Then, we have sickness. In the providence and wisdom of Christ sickness comes before health. Almost as a billboard, THIS, this SICKNESS thing, you'll have to deal with that one. It's not offered as a possibility, it's a certainty. There is no "or" in that phrasing. In sickness AND in health. Because here's the thing. Everyone, gets sick - mentally, physically. Sickness is actually all around you. The spouses get sick, children, parents, friends, every one of us across a lifetime will battle sickness and every one of those illnesses impacts the married couple and the vows they are trying to uphold. We don't think about it that way when we say them. Even if we were told, we couldn't appreciate it. Sickness is something you must experience to understand. You can try to empathize but true understanding is only had by walking the road. Battling cancer, fighting depression, living daily with a chronic illness to name a few, these are life realities that most married couples are coping with each and every day and they are just trying to hang on. Even the couples who make it through "worse" and "poorer" feel the gut punch of sickness and hit their knees. Caring for a sick or elderly parent certainly adds a strain on time and resources and can impact a couple negatively. And of course the serious illness or loss of a child can layer on stressor after stressor from financial crises to managing the care. Some studies suggest that as much as 16% of marriages end in divorce after the loss of a child but it's important to note that in this study, 12% indicated serious marital difficulties prior to the loss, meaning only 4% attribute the trauma as the cause of the divorce.

Sickness it would seem is difficult but manageable when it's not involving directly the husband or wife. But when one-half of the marriage is ill it's a very different story. When a spouse is sidelined, the other half can feel like they are dragging them through a 3 legged race. It's exhausting, it's depressing, it's frustrating for the one in the role of caregiver. The man, or woman they married is not the one they lay down with each night. Everything is changed. For the person who is ill, their body has betrayed them, the life they knew is gone and they live daily plagued not only by physical ailments and pain but crushed by guilt, shame and helplessness. It's little wonder that Chronic Illness in marriage is associated with a 75% divorce rate.

For 75% "in sickness" is a deal breaker. The statistics bear out that it's more likely to end in divorce if the woman is ill as opposed to the man. Women being more natural caregivers. For those of us living with this reality the illness is hard enough. The bills are enough, the doctors, the medicines are all enough, but add the fear of our spouse leaving and it's overwhelming. We have had to reimagine our life, recreate it with new limitations. I'm incredibly blessed to have a loving, faithful man who took those vows and spoke them to God, to me and into the depths of his very soul. Hell itself would not cause him to break them. It's how I spoke them as well. "From this day forward?" We're in. Not everyone can endure. Sometimes leaving isn't the problem, it's the day to day living. Watching your beautiful, passionate, loving friendship and romance decay and become strained. In sickness, is easily the most challenging part of marriage and it is offered to us as a certainty on our wedding day. Still, we can't begin to know the depths of the reality. It's hard but it's also beautiful. When youth and health seem to fall away and the one you vowed to love is standing beside you holding your hand, there is no greater feeling. When he looks into your eyes and you know that while everyone else sees a sick person, he still sees you. The girl, his bride, his wife, the mother of his children. Young and vibrant, sexy and funny. When you know that you are seen by the one that you love, it makes the suffering bearable and you find love and beauty even in the midst of it all.

In the next installment, we'll talk about some ways to shore up the foundations of your marriage in the midst of the chronic illness storm. Till then, pray for me and I'll pray for you.